it is said that history has a way of repeating itself.
i suppose that’s why we study patterns of weather and society and behavior and illness and just about anything, to put provisions in place to avoid or insure outcomes of the past.
but, is this always true with people? does history always repeat itself?
i found myself wondering this the other day on a phone call with a friend. she’s met a great guy. i mean, a great guy. they’re still in the new phase, finding out each other’s quirks, personalities, and personal histories that led them to each other.
but what is too much too soon? how do you determine what secrets/regrets/mistakes from your past to share, and which to hold close to your vest? this is the decision she was faced with when he got serious the other day and told her he had to ask her three very important questions. they all started with “have you ever…” and ended with some unsavory act or circumstance.
“he must have googled me or something! can you even pull that information up?” she had panicked, knowing her history and that the answer to each of his three important questions was a very complicated “yes.”
what if he decided he no longer wanted to know her after hearing her truths? and was he even entitled after only a few weeks to know these specifics?
in the end, she was honest without being too forthcoming. light, simple answers that answered his questions while not scaring him away before getting a complete picture of her awesomeness as it is now. thing is, i believe that as adults, we’ve all done things in our past that won’t be remembered as shining moments in our lives.
but i also believe in growth. if we all were to be punished at thirty for the stupid things we did at twenty in relationships, we’d all have a tougher time getting and keeping a boo. lol
i also think some things just aren’t anyone’s business. “have you ever killed anyone?” fair question. but asking very personal specifics of someone’s life and past relationships that have nothing to do with you and them currently, is a little unfair. as we all age and hopefully mature, the idea is to learn from past mistakes and experiences so we don’t walk into them blindly again. but assessing someone as they are today (within logical limitations. i mean, i wouldn’t date a serial killer) is a much better way to determine if they are worthy and compatible, in my opinion. now, once the relationship is serious and there is a potential for life-longness, then sure, share away.
people grow and change. people evolve. sometimes, what happened in the past is no one’s business but your own. and other times it’s all about determining what that person deserves to know.
so, what is the appropriate time to disclose a potential “deal breaker” from your past?