if i had never Loved you.
this thought sails on the usually whimsical winds of my mind ever so often. my memory is a picky and selfish woman, keeping what she needs and having no regard for that which cannot benefit her.
she keeps this thought. this idea of if i had never Loved you.
there is good. there is great. and then there is a connection that digs so deeply inside you that imagining it severed would be imagining yourself less a limb. less a heart ventricle. less a brain lobe. simply picturing yourself minus this person is almost unfathomable. you have no idea how you survived the calendar before their daily presence. you have no memory of life before them. you want no future memory absent of them.
if i had never Loved you, stays with you.
even when the unthinkable occurs and you find yourself in circumstances that leave you less a limb, a ventricle, a frontal lobe. you feel as though your heart might just simply burst out of your chest and spill its contents onto the floor, someone’s laugh and smile and tears and words soiling your newly polished hardwood. you find your heart was pumping them, alone. the very essence of them sustained you daily. even then, you try to sweep up their shattered contents of your heart and piece them together in your memory, so that you might survive another day.
if i had never Loved you now becomes a mantra of all the pain you’d have avoided.
and then one day you wake up feeling … alright. you notice your limb growing back. you realize you survived.
my fickle mind discards any pain. disposes of any anger that might have collected in the rumination piles.
months pass, and it’s refreshing not to have someone consume eighty percent of your brilliant brain space. you feel creative. you feel free. you realize just how much of your life was spent absorbing the sum of someone else and converting it to negative energy.
if i had never Loved you remains the sole thought. the sole piece of the discarded puzzle. if i had never Loved you remains a sticky note on the frontal lobe that has reemerged.
but far from a thorn, it becomes a fresh drop of dew on the rose that grew out of the hardened concrete that was my heart.
If i had never Loved you. this thought reminds one that if you hadn’t gotten through, if you hadn’t noticed the book cover, opened it, ripped all the pages out and wrote something more beautiful, i might have never contemplated it possible.
if i had never Loved you forces me to accept the fact that i wouldn’t know what it is like to have someone Love me almost as i Love myself. to have someone share deepest fears, pains, regrets, joys, highs, and unbelievables, and mirror that emotion with such exactness, any ignorant soul would have sworn it happened to you.
some people are in your life for a brief season. some people are in your life forever. and some are in your life for as long as it takes for you to discover what you’re capable of. to show you how far your heart can stretch before it becomes something altogether new.
if i had never Loved you now reminds me that i’d never know it was possible to let another human inhabit your soul, your mind, your spirit, yourself, in every way.
because i Loved you, lends the comforting knowledge that i can Love the next with less fear. with more courage. with a deeper understanding. a stronger connection. with more acceptance. more trust. more vulnerability. delicately and fiercely in the same breath. with an open heart. with all of me.
if i had never Loved you, guarantees that i will be able to Love my next Him consummately. that i will be able to accept a consummate emotional involvement.
because i now know that there is no other way to Love.