Love and such

too much, too soon?

it is said that history has a way of repeating itself.

i suppose that’s why we study patterns of weather and society and behavior and illness and just about anything, to put provisions in place to avoid or insure outcomes of the past.

but, is this always true with people? does history always repeat itself?

i found myself wondering this the other day on a phone call with a friend. she’s met a great guy. i mean, a great guy. they’re still in the new phase, finding out each other’s quirks, personalities, and personal histories that led them to each other.

but what is too much too soon? how do you determine what secrets/regrets/mistakes from your past to share, and which to hold close to your vest? this is the decision she was faced with when he got serious the other day and told her he had to ask her three very important questions. they all started with “have you ever…” and ended with some unsavory act or circumstance.

“he must have googled me or something! can you even pull that information up?” she had panicked, knowing her history and that the answer to each of his three important questions was a very complicated “yes.”

what if he decided he no longer wanted to know her after hearing her truths? and was he even entitled after only a few weeks to know these specifics?

in the end, she was honest without being too forthcoming. light, simple answers that answered his questions while not scaring him away before getting a complete picture of her awesomeness as it is now. thing is, i believe that as adults, we’ve all done things in our past that won’t be remembered as shining moments in our lives.

but i also believe in growth. if we all were to be punished at thirty for the stupid things we did at twenty in relationships, we’d all have a tougher time getting and keeping a boo. lol

i also think some things just aren’t anyone’s business. “have you ever killed anyone?” fair question. but asking very personal specifics of someone’s life and past relationships that have nothing to do with you and them currently, is a little unfair. as we all age and hopefully mature, the idea is to learn from past mistakes and experiences so we don’t walk into them blindly again. but assessing someone as they are today (within logical limitations. i mean, i wouldn’t date a serial killer) is a much better way to determine if they are worthy and compatible, in my opinion. now, once the relationship is serious and there is a potential for life-longness, then sure, share away.

people grow and change. people evolve. sometimes, what happened in the past is no one’s business but your own. and other times it’s all about determining what that person deserves to know.

so, what is the appropriate time to disclose a potential “deal breaker” from your past?

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13 thoughts on “too much, too soon?

    • so when you’re comfortable enough with one another? i think that’s the best way. i’ve held things from people for months upon months, and have told other people those same facts a few weeks in. lol

  1. New reader here! It depends on what the deal breaker is. For the most part, I would like for us to disclose deal breakers before making the relationship official so everyone has a choice on how/if they want to proceed.

    • welcome!! :)

      i get this logic. and i’m usually one to share once i’ve decided i like the person. other times i just pay attention to their behavior and things they say and that will give me a indication as to how they will respond to certain things. if i already know they’re going to react some kind of way, i just fade to black and keep my information to myself. lol

  2. i know people grow and change over time but there are some things that i just couldn’t put up with no matter how much time has passed. for instance if i found out that you did a couple of pornographic films in your past that’s not something that i can get over. call it immature or whatever but i have deal breakers that i refuse to settle on. great post btw.

    • LOL okay you’re right, i would not date a porno star.
      in my mind there are absolute dealbreakers (sexual offender, serial killer, porno star, etc lol) and then there are not so absolute dealbreakers. things that seem or are pretty bad but within context are understandable. you can’t explain away stabbing your dog to death. lol. but some things aren’t so black and white to me. i can’t think of any examples without putting mine or other people’s business on the blog so i’ll just leave it at that. lol

  3. Well i don’t have any damn relationship relevant secrets. Queen of tmi. Hmmmm. Maybe I should work on creating an unsavory past. Lol. If i did, I’d tell them when exclusivity roared it’s ugly head

  4. Well,
    I’d agree with one of the comments up there. I belive it’s best to just lay it out as early as possible so the other would be free to decide/choose.
    I think it’s a bit unfair letting people walk into stuff they have no idea about.
    Let them know and let them decide
    Should they say no afterwards, maybe you were not meant to end up with him/her :(

  5. very interesting post!!!

    “what if he decided he no longer wanted to know her after hearing her truths? and was he even entitled after only a few weeks to know these specifics?”

    then he isnt the one. i dont think there is a “too much too soon” when it comes to relationships. if a person doesnt like the fact that you were a party girl in college and only wants to date good girls from the time of their birth, then hes not the one and its better you found out sooner than later. im of the mind that if you have a problem that ive done abc or havent done xyz then we’re better off not being together. and the same goes the other way around. why not lay it all on the line upfront? some things ppl cant get over no matter how great a person you may be. and you shouldnt have to conform simply to have somebody. if they cant see how great you are despite your past (whatever said past may be), then move on to some one who will.

    cuz lemme tell you – i wanna know EVERYTHING. not because i want to hold it against you or find a reason to not be with you, but because im (a) nosy and (b) am curious as to how you became the person you are. *shrug*

  6. New reader; enjoyed the post. I think it’s better to share as soon as the early dating pleasantries are over but before things get too serious. while true that everyone has a past, there’s nothing worse than a bone falling out of your closet to wreck a relationship.

  7. Hi, another new reader, lol! I struggled with this when I was dating. I agree with Valerie; there are some things that need to be revealed earlier rather than later. For instance, I didn’t believe in premarital sex and I would tell the guys immediately, because I’d rather find out if they were just about the booty earlier rather than after I had already fallen head over heels. Great post Muze!

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