Love and such

…and somehow, i always lose.

i hate arguing. with anyone.

particularly, with men.

i hate arguing with men because i am incredibly inept at the art of scathing words and whipping necks and icy attitude.

i know what you’re thinking, a black woman that isn’t good at having an attitude? no way. lol.

yes, tis true. i suck at being an angry black woman.

i’ve known this for a while, but i noticed this blatantly the other day while witnessing one of my girlfriends arguing with her man on the phone, and being in awe at how the instant-evil just flowed so easily off her tongue and gave him a verbal beating.

this inherent suckiness at arguing is why i loathe any sort of dissonance with any male i remotely have any sort of interest or uninterest in. i simply do not possess the attitude or quick-tongued temper for verbal wars, and thus try to avoid all situations that involve tension if possible.

i’ve learned in 10 or so years of dating that you can tell a great deal about a man by the way he argues. if he is passive-aggressive, he’s usually not the person i’d go someplace where i’d even feel remotely unsafe with, because he usually will run and duck before i do. if he is a “yes” man and doesn’t assert any type of disagreement at all ever, i don’t trust him and i feel he just might construct a bomb and leave it under my bed one night. if he is a pseudo yes-man, meaning he finds the fastest path to the end of the argument by just nodding and telling me i’m right, he doesn’t really care about the issue or me, and probably just wants to see me naked. if he is an effective, intelligent communicator with a strong sense of self and highly opinionated, i am probably swooning … and losing the argument. every.single.time.

the problem with arguments with men like that is that nothing ever gets solved. i state my opinion, he states his in a much deeper and more authoritative voice, tells me i’m using “chick logic” or some variation of nonsensical thought, and i logically find it hard to counter his well thought out argument, thus, losing.

a typical argument would be something like this: i’m mad. man is confused. i state why i’m mad. man says it’s ridiculous. man gets bigger attitude than i have for me even having the gall to get mad about something so “petty/minuscule/unimportant” (even though it’s not most of the time). i try to counter. it doesn’t work because man’s anger has blocked his ear canal to all tones even close to that of my voice. me and man don’t talk for a few days. man calls after a few days not to apologize, but to say this feels wrong and we shouldn’t be like this or some variation of flowery words. i swoon. man and i make up. issue remains unsolved.

in essence, i’ve been arguing with assholes most of my life? i don’t know. lol. i just know i’m really really bad at winning 80% of the time. my ire-o-meter just doesn’t go high enough for me to unleash wrath or even stay mad long enough to “win” a war of the wills.

what i am good at, is apathy. disinterest. being silent. and that’s usually the default that i revert to, which only leads to an even bigger argument, usually.

am i the only one that sucks at arguing? any suggestions to help this deficiency? lol.

22 thoughts on “…and somehow, i always lose.

  1. I HATE arguing with people too…ESPECIALLY a significant other. Healthy debates and passionate discussions, I do not mind but that vicious back and forth is never for me. I too develop a stance of indifference to it all and will either repeatedly reply “Ok” or stop talking altogether. I just want them to acknowledge the problem, amicably come to a solution and move theeeeeee fuck on. However, I get the SAME response you mentioned above…they just get more upset and want to argue even more. I shut up for their sake, definitely not mine. It is not that I cannot even win the argument. If I wanted to keep going round for round, we definitely could, it is just draining as hell and knowing that someone WANTS me to do that stupid shit makes me dislike them. It usually gets to a point where if the person KEEPS wanting to argue about every damn thing, I distance myself. I have no desire to date or be friends with someone who wants my blood pressure to go through the roof or bring She Hulk out of hibernation.

    • i approve this WHOLE comment. lol. i allllways joke about turning green and tearing the club up. lol.

      “I too develop a stance of indifference to it all and will either repeatedly reply “Ok” or stop talking altogether.”

      this. i am the queen of okay.

  2. great post. not that it matters in the grand scheme of things but what is your sign?

    like you i also hate to argue. i’m a very effective arguer. i use logic in place of emotion 90% of the time but the reason i hate to argue is that other 10% of the time. when i really get angry i can say some hurtful things. when people argue with me (especially women) they can get upset because i can take more than a little bit of time in between my responses. i do this because i’m a firm believer of once something is said you can’t take it back. it’s out there and you can only move on from there. i’ve had some hurtful things said to me before i just couldn’t shake what was said because in the back of my mind i don’t care what was said “in the heat of the moment”. my mind is going to think that’s how you feel all the time.

    “if he is passive-aggressive, he’s usually not the person i’d go someplace where i’d even feel remotely unsafe with, because he usually will run and duck before i do.”

    i’m not to sure i agree with this though. i can be passive aggressive at times when dealing with a significant other but best believe if there is danger i know my role and how to handle myself.

    • grazie. i am an almighty and amazingly awesome Aquarius. lol. we’re known for apathy and being unemotional, so i suppose i fit right into the stereotype. sigh.

      that’s a great policy, because i’ve had arguments where someone said something so hurtful i could never forget it, either. and from there things just deteriorate.

      i just don’t like passive-aggressiveness in men. in my experience, those men don’t like to address anything head-on. i like directness, because that’s usually how i address things. if i feel something, i’m going to say it, whether good or bad, or i’m going to shut down and not say anything. lol. i don’t doubt you though. just saying. lol

  3. Sometimes I can give a man a run for his money, and cut him seven times with machete like precision before he can even make the first attempt. But in my present pretense of a relationship I find myself failing miserable with even starting to argue, much less winning, because he shuts me down so quickly and resolutely, that all I’m going to get for my trouble is a dial tone and a whole lot of frustration. It’s infuriating because I don’t even start at argument pitch with him, calmly as possible and kindly, I try to state what the problem is and if it even sounds like it’s anti-flattery or unpleasant to him he shuts down, checks ME (as if I were the wrongdoer), and never in my life have I found a man so impossible to reason or discuss an issue with.
    Trust, I am definitely not the kind of woman used to biting her tongue or hiding her anger and fury, but what do you do with a man like him??? I know the answer to that already, but it would be nice to clear the air one good time, before I exit stage left out this relationship. Sigh.

    • see. this.

      and these are the alpha men who are usually confident and assertive and no-nonsense in all other areas as well, and that’s the reason we love them. and hate them. lol.

      i’ve found that eventually, they will listen and discuss like a normal person. but it’s usually after you’ve come to your wits end and shut down completely. smh.

  4. I don’t suck at arguing, but I do try to avoid any type of confrontation at all costs. Like Tu said, once you say something…you can’t take it back. So I try not to even go there with anyone.

  5. It’s not that I suck at arguing, I just save it for important things. I usually tend to think things through before I lauch into tirades about whatever the points of contention are.

    The if he’s passive-agressive he won’t defend me train of thought is one I have to disagree with. Arguing and defending your woman aren’t in the same ballpark in my book. If a man knows what’s important, no matter how soft-spoken or passive-agressive he may be, he will defend it.

  6. I dislike arguing with a significant other on personal issues of hurt, but other stuff where we have differences of opinion, we draw the debate lines. :)

  7. I despise arguing too but sometimes it’s a road we are forced to travel down. My advice to learning how to be a good arguer: speak your mind. Hold nothing back. Let it all out. It doesn’t have to come across via yelling with neck rolling. My mother is a prime example of this. I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve seen or heard my mom yell. She kills you with her stealthness. It’s amazing to watch. She just stares at you and then when it’s her turn to speak she lets loose on you something serious without going above her normal speaking voice.

  8. Arguing… I am good at arguing. I hate it but I do have a knack for it. lol The only thing I can say is that a good debater or person who likes to argue tries to do is show you, not the truth but your lie. A great debater or person who loves to argue tries to do is show you the truth in “their” lies. Its kinda like the Charles Barkley approach to life, “I maybe wrong, but I doubt it”. The best remedy for an argument isnt to do it. Silence is an answer and golden. Jesus taught me that. It doesnt make you passive, it makes you smart. If somebody sees you arguing, its hard to tell who is the wise one or the foolish one. Most people only require a small amount of rope to hang themselves. So dont feel so inclined to think you need to master this small portion of life. Its overrated. lol Besides you are clever enough to win the war, battles are small bits of life.

  9. While I don’t enjoy arguing, I have no problem getting my point across if I have to go on and on, lol! I am like your friend, my words can cut like a knife! I hold back a lot for fear of saying things I will regret, but I inherited those traits from my grandmother, lol. The hubby just doesn’t understand WHY I have to have the final say:) If only he had grown up in my house! I am the oldest child and so is he, so that leaves us both trying to be the BOSS at times. There is only one! You gotta stand behind what you feel, say it with confidence and stick to it! lol I do it all standing 5 feet tall:)

  10. Really good post. I too hate to argue and confrontation and usually try to avoid it at all cost, but of course dealing with people, especially the opposite sex that is impossible. But I think you have to pick your battles. Some times its worth it to stand on what you believe and argue your point to the fullest. Other times it’s like ok this is so not worth the argument over something this petty and someone has to give in.

    Don’t we love relationships? lol

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